As we anticipated the fall and winter movies of 2019, a peculiar title nestled between Ad Astra (2019) and The Rise of Skywalker (2019) caught our attention. Someone, somewhere, believed it was a brilliant idea to adapt Andrew Lloyd Webber’s surreal creation, Cats, from a frequently ridiculed Broadway musical into a major feature film with a prime late-December release date. The journey from T.S. Eliot’s whimsical children’s poems to a frenzied stage production and soon-to-be fully motion-captured Oscar contender is a tale as mind-boggling as any single frame from the film’s first trailer.
Angling for the Oscars
Yes, you read that correctly. This movie is clearly aiming to be a significant awards contender at the upcoming Academy Award ceremony. For starters, it’s directed by Tom Hooper, the King’s Speech (2010) mastermind who once outshone career-best works by legendary auteurs Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan), David Fincher (The Social Network), the Coen brothers (True Grit), and Christopher Nolan (Inception), as well as popular mainstay Toy Story 3 and my personal favorite Winter’s Bone. This mid-tier Britain-centered biopic walked away with awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Original Screenplay, earning the most nominations (12) and tying for the most wins (4) of any film that year. Hooper followed up this award season success with Les Miserables (2012), which scored another eight nominations and three wins, and The Danish Girl (2015), which nabbed four more nominations and one more win. Hooper is every studio’s secret weapon when it comes to awards: like La La Land (2016), he may not leave a lasting impression, but he commands attention from critics and industry insiders whenever he has something to showcase.
A Prime Release Date and Star-Studded Cast
Moreover, Cats has a plum release date right at the end of the year, ensuring it remains fresh in everyone’s memory when nomination day arrives. It’s currently set to open wide on December 20th as counter-programming to The Rise of Skywalker and amidst likely competition like A Hidden Life (2019) and Little Women (2019). The cast is also packed with a murderer’s row of Academy-friendly faces, including Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, and Jennifer Hudson, as well as Taylor Swift, James Corden, Idris Elba, and Rebel Wilson. By all accounts, this is meant to be Universal’s big, populist push for Oscar gold this year.
A Genuine Head-Scratcher of a Film
Despite all this, Cats remains a baffling cinematic choice. I honestly can’t fathom why this would be their play for awards attention this year before pouring this level of talent into the project. Given that it features nothing more than fur-faced human actors prancing around like they’re cats, it was always better suited for the easier abstractions of the stage. And, barring that, the fact that this effect is achieved by completely motion-capturing and computer generating over every single actor in the production makes this a thoroughly uncomfortable-looking movie: not uncanny per se, but definitely something out of Tim Burton’s wildest dreams. It’s impressive, to be sure, but impressive doesn’t necessarily translate into being good.
A Horror Movie in Disguise?
Based purely on the trailer, the most damning aspect of Cats is how much it resembles a horror movie. It’s almost like when certain YouTube channels recut movie trailers into those for movies of different genres, like Harry Potter as a teen comedy or The Incredibles as a psychosexual thriller. The best thing I’ve seen come out of this nightmare-fuel trailer is someone removing all pretense of fantasy from the film by cutting the trailer as-is with the version of “I’ve Got 5 On It” from Us (2019) over the audio. And, wouldn’t you know it, afterward, I finally got the movie.
A Decennial Misfire Destined for Cult Status
Folks, Cats looks bad—really, really bad. It appears to be one of those once-in-a-decade misfires destined to become a generational “so bad it’s good” cinematic touchstone. The world just seems to be in a terrible state right now. Everything is awful, bad faith morons are in charge of our collective fates, and Disney is devouring the entire film industry until there’s nothing left but well-picked-over bones. Cats, based on everything we have to go off of, is 100% confirmation of this fact. It is damn-near biblical judgment on us for our sins of passing over Booksmart (2019) and anointing Green Book (2018) as the best picture of the year.
It is coming for us—slowly, cruelly, inevitably—and we are left to wallow in the grim certainty of its impending arrival. May God have mercy on our souls.
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